I have candy, therefore I am

Many years ago a friend and I had an alcohol induced conversation about not existing. I don’t think it was anything like a suicide pack, just the left over thoughts from a two hours philosophy midterm, Does God Exist? I’m still leaning towards most likely although he certainly lacked in his divine inspiration on my exam.

Every now and then I toy with the thought. Wouldn’t it be strange if I just didn’t exist? No one would be sad because if no one knew me, no one would miss me. I think everyone feels this way sometimes. I am the self-proclaimed bad guy in my house, which is ridiculously ironic because I hate nagging. Clean up, hurry up, take baths, we have to go to the gym. And the worse is the foods. My mother-in-law told me she used to hide cookies in the dryer because if they were on the counter they would be gone in 8.9 seconds. What a strange woman, hiding cookies in the dryer… That was many years ago. Since then I’ve learned my mother-in-law is brilliant. I only wish I was. Do you realize how hard it is to wash melted Toll House Chocolate Chips Cookies from a white towel?

I hate being the bad guy and sometimes I wonder if my boys, my husband and my son, day dream about what if I worked in Alaska 11 months of the year. I’m certain they love me but even “hurry up and eat your salads so we can clean the house,” sounds disgusting as the words flow out of my mouth, in my mother’s voice.

I recently was reminded that mommies don’t always suck. Saturday afternoon the house was full of gaming friends. Nicholas was playing in the backyard and he got stung by a wasp. Bobby was first to his side and quickly doctored him. Being his first bad encounter with an insect we were relieved to see Nicholas had no allergies.

My son does not frighten easily. But he was still hysterical even after Bobby finished cleaning him up. I decided to put him in my lap and may I brag that within 5 minutes he was back outside. Yup. Damn I’m good.

What? True story. I have witnesses. They can testified, in between screams Nicholas And I whispered secrets, then he was fine… What were we whispering? Oh…

Because I’m not allowed to hide cookies in the dryer anymore I have a goodie drawer… and we were sitting by it as Nicholas had his meltdown.

“Give me 10 gummy life savors and I’ll stop crying.” He whispered, pretending to kiss me in between shrieks of terror.

“Five.” I mumbled as I kissed him. His cries grew louder. Everyone assumed he was having a flashback. “Oh come on, there’s barely a mark.” I groveled. He leaned against me, crying even louder in my ear. “Fine. Ten.” I sighed. He carefully dug in my drawer. From the way that we were seated, no one could see the drawer. All they saw was a mommy with a son on her lap, his hands reaching to the side.

Nicholas carefully put 10 in his hand. Taking an extra, he secretly shoved a red gummy life savor in my mouth. I think he pitied I gave in so easily. As a peace offering he gave me a big hug. Everyone ooo’d and aww’d how great I was, amazed that I had convinced him to go outside again. I didn’t have the heart to explain he was running to his fort to sort his loot…

For what ever reason Nicholas sat on my lap, for that moment, I’m certainly glad my goodie drawer and I existed.