Nicholas, go blow your horn

Because of my cerebral palsy, I startle easy. To me, this is horrible. It’s the main reason why I don’t have a driver’s license, I morn this every day. However not everyone shares my depressing views. The members of the Crip club view my startle reactions as a sport.

The Crip Club is made up of seven, eight perverts who tease me. The newest member discovered I jump when I receive text messages on my phone so she sends messages just to make my cell ring. What can I say it’s a bizarre but loyal group, although I can’t remember the benefits of my membership anymore. The funny part is if you tease me without being a member, they will beat you.

I have really tried to hide my jumping from Nicholas. I knew he would be the worse. He absolutely loves teasing me. (This is NOT a challenge Bobby and Chris, just a disturbing fact.) This weekend Nicholas found an old bicycle horn. May I just say, when squeezed right, its startles the shit out of me. All day, honk, jump, curse, honk, jump, threaten, honk, jump, beaten boy. Yet he couldn’t stop.

He finally decided to take a break from torturing mom and went to ride his bike. Bobby gave me the disappointing stare as I took the damn horn. I didn’t care. Mocking a handicap is fine, but stealing a horn from a six-year-old brat is wrong? I think it’s time to take a step back and look at your morals mister.

I hid the horn and I was proud of myself. Nicholas would never find it in a zillion years. Here’s what I thought would happen. Either when he found out I hid it he would A) pitch an ugly, loud fit, therefore taking away the guilt I may have had. Or b) Look for it awhile, then become distracted by something else.

Nicholas looked absolutely heartbroken. Like I had just taken away his best friend, which if you’ve been reading my previous columns, I might have. I sighed loudly, guilt ridden that my boy looked so pitiful but the sound of that horn was still resonating in my head.

I needed to think fast. I had the perfect solution. I’ll give him a hint, however cryptic it may be. He would like the thrill of the hunt, slowly lose interest. “The horn is under water.” I announced.  Peace at last…

Here is where I get pissed off. I thought it was a brilliant hint. The hint was factual but come on, he’s six. He’s going to look in his kiddie pool, maybe in the bath tub… That’s where I would begin my search.

Bobby says my jaw dropped 2 stories and my face turned white. “Oh, mommy hid it under the sink. He finds the horn in less than a minute. Bobby’s laughing his ass off. I’m in shock. Very proud that Nicholas use deductive thinking but I really hate being defeated by a brat.

As I sit in my empty house, Nicholas at science camp, Bobby at work, it occurs to me Nicholas probably hid the horn under his bed and today is trash day. I can almost hear the horn’s dying blows as it’s being crushed by the compacter.

An hour later P.S. Bobby, sweetie… yeah, um, can you pick up a new horn on the way home…