A gym membership for my fat ass

On this day in history:

 

 

1776 Rhode Island declares independence

1847 Jack Slade joins the army

1864 Army of the Potomac crosses the Rapidan

1916 Germany agrees to limit its submarine warfare

1920 Miller issued race-car patent

1948 Norman Mailer's first novel, The Naked and the Dead, is published

1977 David Frost interviews Richard Nixon

1979 Margaret Thatcher was sworn in

1996 crip marries nerd

 

 

I would like to wish my wonderful husband a happy 10th anniversary… Ya lucky boy you… What a wonderful wife you have… I cook, clean, obey and fulfill your every whim… oh shit, that's not me, I'm watching a rerun of Leave it to Beaver. June Cleaver, what a freak.

 

Anyways you will get your huge anniversary gift as soon as I sign my California contract. Stop crying. Those ain't tears of joy… It gonna happen or I'm not as beautiful and as talented as I brainwashed you into thinking I am... Why does my husband look so depressed on this joyous day?

 

Oh don't pity the boy. Sure he married a unemployed crip but hey I'm easy. And ya know what he got me for our anniversary? A gym membership. The bastard. Implying I'm fat. What the hell is he gonna do for our 15th? Remodel our kitchen with pretty green granite countertops and sparkler-ly new appliances. Go on Mestepey, I dare you.

 

See I can't do a sappy column. It just ain't my thing. So thank you Bobby. Being married to you for a decade hasn't totally suck. We have this down pretty good. I think its kinda sickening that I'm still infatuated with you after all these long long years. And Nicholas is amusing enough.  Maybe life is pretty good. Being married to you is pretty good too. And despite what I said, I'd marry you again. Wiggy.  Your laughter inspires me, your patience amazes me. And no matter how awful the day is, when the last thing I hear at night is your rhythmic snoring, I know all is right in our world.

 

Blah Blah Blah Whatever. ok my wedding party, Can I collect the pool now? I told y'all I'd last 10 years…

 

Happy Anniversary Bobby.

 

P.S. Bobby's used to being in hot water with me and as much as it tickles me, I don't want him to get in trouble at work. I've wanted to join a gym with a pool for like 8 months but stuff kept coming up. So I was thrilled when Bobby got me a membership, to me it was like being given a gift certificate to a spa. I had no idea it could be an offensive gift. For the marital record, I really do love it… But I'm glad the girls pointed it out, it does make great copy. A gym membership for my fat ass wahhhhhhhh