Stuck Stubbornly in the Sandtraps

Saturday night we decide to go play put-put then grab dinner. It was two of my college friends, Nicholas, Bobby, and me.

 

A little known fact about me. I love put put golf. I suck at it but I love it. Growing up, my grandparents lived by a little course so my cousin and I played often during my early teens. In fact I think that’s where I started cussing.

 

Anyways. We get there and it’s a beautiful little course, standard 18 holes, 5 shot maximum. I go first and I sink the ball in five strokes. I yell five and my girlfriend who was keeping score yells back, “did you say four? I think I understood four.” So that became the joke of the night. I got mostly fives and they gave me fours, I guess for good behavior.

 

Everybody’s having fun, so I thought. Then I started to notice that Nicholas' strokes were getting more eractic each time. And his face became longer at every stage. I finally pressed him to tell me whatwas wrong.

 

“You’re cheating mommy.” And he stormed off. At first I honestly had no idea what he meant. I couldn’t have sucked more if I tried. And like I tell all my friends I’m not smart enough to cheat. (although I think we need signals in miles borns, you know who you are)

 

I stare at Nicholas while he’s digging a hole to china because he’s pressing on the putter so hard. I am kinda offended, kinda hurt, and kinda felt sorry for him.

 

Ok, here’s my opinion, for a crip mommy in a wheelchair I’m pretty cool. I camp. I fish. I bike. I help organize his cubs scout. So if my friends wanna give me a few points for me trying to play a game I have no chance of winning, charity begins at home so he can sulk all he wants. On the other hand it was in fact cheating. And I’ve always told him you play to have fun with your friends it doesn’t matter if you win. (shut up my three nerds… Haven’t yall heard “Do what I say, not what I do…”)

 

Nicholas finally calms down and the rest of the game was lite-hearted and fun. Until Green #13. It was one of those three-tiered, can't see the hole for nothing. So I ask Bobby to go find the hole, as if it makes a difference, whatever. I hit the ball, it starts rolling, drop one tier, two tiers, three and Bobby starts giggling. Then yells “one.” And we started arguing,  I yell. “no way.” He yells.  “Come here.”

 

Well I’ll be damn, I got a hole in one. And I get ready to do my happy dance production and I look up at my son who looks totally offended so I quickly yelled “one,” at my scorekeeper and moved quietly on.

 

As a mother I probably did the right thing, if I did my dance it might have scarred Nicholas for life. But may I say as the competitive bitch that I shouldn’t be but am. Its just my nature. May I be frank, getting a hole in one  without doing my happy dance is like doing you know what without the know what. Nice but unfinished.

 

So I’m going finish it now because Nicholas can't read this blog til he’s in his late 30s. I GOT A HOLE IN ONE. NOT BAD FOR CRIP GIRL. IN YOUR FACE MESTEPEY. (its way cuter with visuals.)

 

The other dumb thing I did, Juliebeth already told me it was dumb and I expect lindy and pam to tell me too after they read this.

 

Bobby and I had a little tif. And he says (I’m summarizing.) if he didn’t have chores he could woe me more and do more with Nicholas. So the dumbass that I am, I banned him from the kitchen for a month. (I can hear his friends calling him, can we come over Saturday just to be entertained by Claire’s cooking? We won't actually stay for dinner but…Bite me.)

 

So last night I’m washing dishes and it occurred to me the depth of my stupidity because as I’m finishing up I see him on the porch, smoking his pipe, playing on his notebook, probably chatting with Chris, “hey guess what cool thing Claire did?”

 

But I’m going down fighting girls. I’m serving tofu on paper plates every night til he begs for mercy.  then I'll just eat my mom’s leftovers after he goes to bed…

 

There’s just no way I can win this one huh? I should just suck up my pride and tell Bobby I’ve seen the errors of my ways. I just beat an eight year old at putput do you wiggy think that’s gonna happen?

 

So… Can you actually nuc tofu?