Vicarious Love through Playpen and Washers

First I'd like to congratulate one of my bestest friends, I'm still squealing. She & her wonderful husband are expecting. I'm not sure why she let me rant for two hours about stupid non-life-changing stuff before yelling "Stop. Can I share now?"

But as usual I have to make this about me. You guys so owe me! Remember 9 years ago yall had a fight. What was my advice? "All men are asses but he's a lesser degree of ass plus he's way cute." And now your gonna have the world's most beautiful baby. Because as racist as it sounds when a Vietnamese chick marries a white guy, 99% of the time the baby is unbelievably gorgeous. A few of us know what happens to the one percent. But it's ok because I have a great personality.

So after she tells me we decide to walk around a baby store and I just go nuts. I want to buy this baby everything. First for my male readers, don't warn Bobby. I like being a hockey mom. I am so far past my own wanting a newborn I'm questioning my womanhood… but I did absolutely fall in love with the cutest playpen. And Bobby would much rather I bought it for you then for myself… So that'll be my first purchase after my next seminar… I don't care if the kid's 7. the kid can use it has a laundry hamper damnit.

So I'm still on a natural high from this and I get a email from another of my closest friends and she had an embarrassing confession. As Murphy Law would have it, her washer broke on Mothers Day and they had to buy a new one so that was her "Mother's Day" gift. And wasn't she a freak for liking it…

Yup. What a freak. Crazy freak. I don't care... who wants details about a washer? but I felt I needed to carry on the conversation, just to be polite. Because if anything I am polite. Did she buy the set? Cool. I mean whatever… its not like Bobby and I got in a fight whether or not we could buy a dryer first without buying his pretty silvery washermate at the same time. …(but its not as esthetically pleasing you dork…)

Was it the front loading washer thast washes 16 pair of jeans? And the dryer that dries a full load in 43 minutes… the one at Lowes. Did she buy the pedal stools? They look prettier up high and the storage look great…

Yup. She's a crazy… crazy girl…

Do you think it was wrong not to tell her I was asked to leave Lowes a few days ago for drooling over a dryer? and i might have sorta asked if like I could book some alone time with her new appliances? What? If a washer does 16 pairs of jeans I could probably do a week's worth of laundry Plus dunk Nicholas in one load…

I need a lawyer to write my prayers

Without bragging, most of my prayers are always answered, ok other than the obvious… But I don't think "If you cure my cerebral palsy, I'll go to Africa and work for the Peace Corp for the rest of my life." is still applicable.  Although my husband and his little playmate are hooked on this new game so they'd probably loved to blow each other up in peace.

 

You don't believe me? In high school, I prayed guys would like me. Til this day, about half of my bestest friends are males. I got smarter in college, I prayed that a guy would love me, I just didn't say how long he should love me for. It only took me nine years but I got my prayer right and I found Bobby. And I even messed that up, when I said a rich man, I didn't mean when he turned 90… oh, I'm kidding.

 

So lately I've been praying for a part time job. Something at home to tide me over until my business takes off.  By the way Bob, I'm still as passionate about my seminars as ever but I'm going to shut up til checks are cashed…

 

Last Wednesday I got a job offer. It was perfect. Check emails. Transcribe Audio messages. And forward them. I'd be paid by the number I did. Perfect. They gave me an "average" number of calls. It would not pay for a summer vacation in Tuscany but maybe a few nights out. Still I was excited.

 

They said I needed to check emails every 30 minutes, That's cool too. From 7-4 weekdays I'm working at home… Oh, those aren't my hours? 4-8 weekdays 8-8 weekends… oh. Sure… I'll try for a week…

 

After being unemployed for 8 years, bitching about it for 7 years 364 days… (I cried for the first 24 hours after I was laid off) it is with much regret that after being gainfully employed for 5 days I quit. Oh look Bobby's calling his lawyer…

 

Here's the thing. Bobby & I came up with a number of calls a week that would make it worth my while. Of course we spent 3 weeks of my future income on wireless network (which we wanted anyways…)

 

That being said, the number was way lower than told… I figured it out. My week earnings won't pay for a typical movie night. 2 adult tickets, 2 drinks, popcorn & twlisters. And poor little crip girl couldn't workout on weekdays… Bobby said he'd dropped me off, stay on email duty, drop me home when I finished swimming, than he'd return to the gym to workout. Hell the gas alone would put us in debt.

 

Sunday was just a pain work wise. It's our family day. Nicholas has hockey. And we went bowling & to dinner with friends. We would get messages at the most annoying time, or was it at the loudness… at hockey practice… in the middle of cheering for a strike… ordering dinner. Because I'm totally anal, if they say 30 minutes, I'm antsy at 25.

 

So there you go. I was gainfully employed for a week.  I actually pity Bobby. Not that he is married to a crip, but a freaking psycho. It's all good. I'll just revise my prayer and a job will appear in  5 to 7 years… Great. I'll be poor but my thighs will look good because I'm working out. This time my shallowness even astounded myself.

 

My prayer as of tonight: And please god, find me a part time, at home, on the computer, 7-4, weekday job that I wouldn't suck at, preferably minimum wage.  Thank you.

 

A gym membership for my fat ass

On this day in history:

 

 

1776 Rhode Island declares independence

1847 Jack Slade joins the army

1864 Army of the Potomac crosses the Rapidan

1916 Germany agrees to limit its submarine warfare

1920 Miller issued race-car patent

1948 Norman Mailer's first novel, The Naked and the Dead, is published

1977 David Frost interviews Richard Nixon

1979 Margaret Thatcher was sworn in

1996 crip marries nerd

 

 

I would like to wish my wonderful husband a happy 10th anniversary… Ya lucky boy you… What a wonderful wife you have… I cook, clean, obey and fulfill your every whim… oh shit, that's not me, I'm watching a rerun of Leave it to Beaver. June Cleaver, what a freak.

 

Anyways you will get your huge anniversary gift as soon as I sign my California contract. Stop crying. Those ain't tears of joy… It gonna happen or I'm not as beautiful and as talented as I brainwashed you into thinking I am... Why does my husband look so depressed on this joyous day?

 

Oh don't pity the boy. Sure he married a unemployed crip but hey I'm easy. And ya know what he got me for our anniversary? A gym membership. The bastard. Implying I'm fat. What the hell is he gonna do for our 15th? Remodel our kitchen with pretty green granite countertops and sparkler-ly new appliances. Go on Mestepey, I dare you.

 

See I can't do a sappy column. It just ain't my thing. So thank you Bobby. Being married to you for a decade hasn't totally suck. We have this down pretty good. I think its kinda sickening that I'm still infatuated with you after all these long long years. And Nicholas is amusing enough.  Maybe life is pretty good. Being married to you is pretty good too. And despite what I said, I'd marry you again. Wiggy.  Your laughter inspires me, your patience amazes me. And no matter how awful the day is, when the last thing I hear at night is your rhythmic snoring, I know all is right in our world.

 

Blah Blah Blah Whatever. ok my wedding party, Can I collect the pool now? I told y'all I'd last 10 years…

 

Happy Anniversary Bobby.

 

P.S. Bobby's used to being in hot water with me and as much as it tickles me, I don't want him to get in trouble at work. I've wanted to join a gym with a pool for like 8 months but stuff kept coming up. So I was thrilled when Bobby got me a membership, to me it was like being given a gift certificate to a spa. I had no idea it could be an offensive gift. For the marital record, I really do love it… But I'm glad the girls pointed it out, it does make great copy. A gym membership for my fat ass wahhhhhhhh