Hip... By Association

The other day we were on the road and I start screaming, "It's a bus, it's a contiki tour bus. Look, look, that's the tour company Pam and I took on our European adventure, when we were young and hip." I sighed falling into a slightly altered remembrance, in this daydream Mr. bus driver was obsessed with me. <sigh…>

 

My daydream was interrupted by rude laughter. Ok, if bob was like "Superdaydream Man" with powers of seeing into other's fantasies, he'd had reason to laugh but there was nothing unusually humorous about my statement of facts.

 

What the hell was the man laughing at? Was Pam my best friend a figment of my imagination, hello? No, Bob adores her.  She was in our wedding. He knows we went to Europe. There's a

picture of us on the shelf.  I was very confused as why Bobby was laughing. So I mistakenly ask.

 

"You thought you were hip." He said while laughing and beating on the steering wheel. Big talk coming from the poster boy for "Middle aged d&d playing computer nerds" of America." (I still can't convince him that's not necessarily a compliment.)

 

I resented I had to justify my hipness to such a low life. My hipness just is. I had friends who worked in museums and raced motorcycles and spoke 5 different languages. They were (are) hot. And if that's not enough, I was a Fag Hag. That fact alone guarantees I'll always be hip at some level.

 

"So, you were, let's see, hip by association." He howled, laughing even louder. Laugh it up nerd boy. In two years I'll have my first board meeting in Vegas. With all my hip board of directors. and oh look, Bobby's seat is an elected position voted by, my hip friends. You might be able to buy one of the six off, that is until I copyright my tortellini recipe then you've got nothing... mahaha.

 

There I found my happy place again. I waved as the contiki bus drove in front of us and started pulling forward. My dreamy grin suddenly turned into sheer horror as I quickly turned away from Bobby to hide my single tear of heartbreak. As the bus pulled away from us, I notice the tagline, Contiki Tours, for the 21-35 year olds…

 

Hell yeah I'm still eligible. For like 61 more days. NEVERMIND!

Voice of a Dying Cow

Sometimes reality sucks. I don't usually air out my dirty laundry but Bobby has been downright cruel lately… said I had a voice like a dying cow.  He did…

 

The majority of you are just flabbergasted that the love of my life would say a comment that cruel about my voice. I am too. About five of you are mumbling, how did you provoke him, oh ye of little crip faith. Shame.

 

I did nothing, I swear on. I swear on my drivers license. So am I saying he just blurted it out one day? Yup. Yup. Ok, maybe it ended a discussion but those words did come from his mouth.

 

So I'm working on a big power point presentation. The person who requested wanted audio with it. yeah right. But it's a very important deal so I decided I'd buy a cheap microphone and at least make an effort. I didn't even tell Bobby because if it totally sucked I just tell the guy my audio on my computer is out. And Bobby would never be the wiser. Because if he found out I loss this gig because I didn't wanna do a voice over, he'd divorce me. Naw, but he'd honestly would  be furious.

 

So I did the freaking audio. It was the most painful 8 hours of my life. I don't like hearing my recorded voice in passing, having to purposely work with it is just obscene. When I finally got it as good as it was to going to get, I decided that I should show Bobby so that he knew the exact date I committed professional suicide. 

 

He absolutely loved it. More than his "that's great dear." He wanted copies, he's rethinking our marketing plan. I'm listening to the presentation as he is watching it and I start screaming I sound like a dying cow. I follow him around the house screaming my new battle cry. He's cooking, I'm muttering, he's hiding in the bathroom, I'm yelling outside the door. He's outside, I'm mouthing the words through the glass. Finally he ended my rant. "You do sound like a dying cow but we're going to be rich." I walked behind him muttering "Gee, don't you think that's harsh?"

 

But the funny part is this was an 8 minute presentation. He thinks I'm going to do a 4 hour one. I think not. He'll come home one day and I'll have a microphone shoved into my vocal box… I have a better plan. Everyone wins. One of my bestest friends can do a impersonation of my voice. Send him two airline tickets, buy a keg of dark ale. We'll have a good old weekend. Pretty peas honey. Teeheehee.

I Miss You... Kinda

For the first 6 years of his life, Nicholas best friend's older sister babysat him occasionally. This set up was sweet for him. for him it was just a glorified play date… he encouraged us to go out… Suggested we get drinks after the movie… No rush.

 

About seven months ago they moved. Bobby and I really don't go out that much and I can usually pawn him off on my mom. She usually offers more then we need so I wasn't in a rush to find a sitter.

 

Lately we're having more evening errands. So I thought it'd be a good idea if we found a sitter who was close that we could use as backup. Across our street there's this sweet girl. A little younger than Nicholas' beloved first babysitter, but very responsible, and her parents said that they are always home. Nicholas even plays basketball with her. This is perfect.     

 

I told Bobby let's just test it. He and his evil twin buddy found a new hang out so I invited myself along as Bobby rolled his eyes. For political reasons with future networking opportunities, I'll just say it was a lovely experience but yall can keep the "No girls allowed," banner…

 

We were away from Nicholas 2 hours and 17 minutes. Now let me explain Nicholas. He wants me if he's sick. He wants me when he's scared. Otherwise, he's exactly like his father, as long as I'm where I'm supposed to be, he's happy. To show affection he now wrestles with me and gives me nuggies. I've never found physical proof but I honestly believe when he goes on trips with our families, they pay him to call me to tell me he misses me.

 

So we get home and the boy tells me he misses me about 5 times in a 45 minute span. First two times it was enduring, 3rd and 4th times it felt as if it was politically motivated. By the 5th I'm like get a grip boy…

 

  Here is my theory, he sees her as a peer not as a sitter plus he's going through a "I hate girls stage." If you ever wanna wind him up, point out his mommy is a girl… I'm hoping he'll get better because with my business we really do need to go to more networking stuff… If not, I do have a no-fail backup plan, bribery. Started with his daddy, passed in his DNA, a trip to Walmart makes anything bearable.

 

For those Nan Sayers who don't know him and thinks oh maybe he just really missed ya. It's a nice dream but I have proof. He's been at his MawMaws in Dallas for 23 hours now… I talked to my Mother-in-law about four times, (a little about him but other stuff too, like update on sick relatives.) Has he asked to talk to me? To IM me? Survey says the big NO.

 

Damn, I should have tape his "I missed you." it's ok… he'll call by Friday. Because he will want us to bring something when we go up Saturday… and I'll ignore the background voice reminding him to say "I miss you mommy."